TOP 3 REASONS FOR SPRAYING DOOM IN YOUR FACE

Doom, jou lekker ding! Doom, you delicious thing! You have blessed me with such a delightful range of debates and intellectual engagements in my life. Last week, I sprayed myself with Doom right in the face – live on air. I was mimicking what happens to an infamous South African pastor who sprays his congregants…

WHY I BRIBE TRAFFIC COPS

I just got stopped by a traffic cop on the way back from a round to the Pick and Pay and the bottle store. He jumped out from behind a Stop Street (at which I did not stop) causing me to slow down from an over-the-speed-limit-speed and waved me down, causing me to break suddenly,…

THE #1 TIP WHEN DYEING YOUR OWN EYEBROWS

  #1 DON’T FORGET YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOING IT. Set a timer or something. This will spare you the mild myocardial infarction when you accidentally see your own reflection after 40 minutes and come to the conclusion that your mirror has been possessed by a satanic clown.   In fact, set a loud ringtone or…

HERITAGE DAY. GERMISTON STYLE.

During a Heritage Day braai in my backyard, the following differences between myself and my new neighbours became apparent.The neighbours were: young, Zulu and stone cold sober. Moreover, they had a sparkly blue pool and I did not. It was a very hot day, even in the shade of the mulberry tree. “Let’s ask the…

IT’S NOT ‘FREE’ IF I AM PAYING FOR IT, POEPOL!

I’ve stripped my moer for these blooming students now! Hear ye! Hear ye! This is the most important paragraph of this whole piece: The Government does not have any money! Not a single cent. It gets all its money from taxpayers! So when you are asking the ‘government’ for ‘Free’ education, you are asking ME,…

MATISSE? PFFFT! I AM BETTER THAN HIM.

An artist who could see into the future. Ahead of current trends. At times reviled. At times, revered. Bold art. Uncompromising. Startling in its simplicity. Genius in its complexity. Matisse is also not bad. The thing that struck me the most at my recent visit to the Henri Matisse exhibition at the Standard Bank Gallery…

REFLECTIONS ON A POWER CUT: MAKES YOU STHINK, DOESN’T IT?

This is a picture of my armpit. It’s a pity you can’t smell it because it would have made your reaction to this story so much more real. Ah well, maybe they will invent scratch-n-sniff editions of Facebook soon. Until then, shall I regale thee of a story of an armpit during a power cut….

MY FEAR OF BEER

‘I like a good beer buzz early in the morning.’ sings Cheryl Crow. I wouldn’t know. I don’t like beer. I detest the stuff. I don’t understand how people can get so excited about that crisp swoosh sound as you crack it open. The delirium about the foamy head. And the celebration as the dewy…

The Mulberry That Didn’t Fit In

I found an odd-looking mulberry in my mulberry tree this afternoon. It had a bloody cheek being there. I mean, it is autumn, but there it was, brandishing a bright colour, as if to say “Look at me one last time before winter.” The Mulberry that Didn’t Fit In It was totally out of place….

CHAOS BUMPS INTO PEACE IN WAKKERSTROOM

In the majestic and mountainous interior of South Africa, lies Mpumalanga.In the lush and kosmos-filled foothills of Mpumalanga lies the tranquil town of Wakkerstroom. In Wakkerstroom, you fill find a quaint tin house. In the charming house you will find a woman who scared the shit out of me. Arun Govender runs a beauty clinic…

SHOCKING DISCOVERY! MY CHILDHOOD EASTER EGG HUNTS WERE GUPTA’D!

  When we were small, Easter was a big deal. Cousins gathered round at one of the Tannie’s houses and we would all hunt for easter eggs. I hated it. Secondly, there was this competition thing to see who would get the biggest and only giant bunny or golden egg. Delivered directly by the Easter…