BLYDE RIVER CANYON: ‘THE CHINESE ARE EATING OUR CAR GUARDS!”

I haven’t travelled to a place without a Spur for a while. Even Dar Es Salaam had a Spur. But that’s the point, sometimes. Go to a place without a KFC, morning traffic or radio stations you always understand. I headed off to the Blyde River Canyon in Mpumalanga, South Africa. I needed a walk…

WHAT DO THE ANC, A PORRA MECHANIC AND A NIGERIAN HAVE IN COMMON?

You can’t trust any of them. Bastards, the whole lot of them. Sorry, what was that? “That comment is ‘racist”? Wrong. The comment is racist AND prejudicial AND, for in case you could not spot it – sexist. I’ll try to throw in some ageism and body shaming as well. Here’s the thing. I took…

PEOPLE I MET AT THE FAT FARM

The “Fat Farm’ aka Health Hydro is a place where you go to relax, detox or in my case, go for a few days in a desperate attempt to slow down the rapacious pace of my weight gain and the ever-growing list of addictions and compulsive eating and drinking behaviours threatening to tear my body…

ON THE TWELFTH FUCKING DAY OF CHRISTMAS, LIFE GAVE TO ME …. THIS KAK!

Do malingering gits who post about how ‘blessed’ and ‘grateful’ they are over Christmas, showing sparkly photos of joy and happiness also piss you off? Well then, this post is for you! I guarantee you, this post will make you feel much better about yourself than any motivational quote – because I am going to…

A PILGRIMAGE TO BETHLEHEM

I went on a pilgrimage to Bethlehem. It was an important thing for me to do. Almost in a biblical sense. It was an epic journey. Was it to discover the birth of something new? Or maybe rediscover the birth of something lost? I had to find out. Thus I went to Bethlehem. I couldn’t find…

TOP 3 REASONS FOR SPRAYING DOOM IN YOUR FACE

Doom, jou lekker ding! Doom, you delicious thing! You have blessed me with such a delightful range of debates and intellectual engagements in my life. Last week, I sprayed myself with Doom right in the face – live on air. I was mimicking what happens to an infamous South African pastor who sprays his congregants…

WHY I BRIBE TRAFFIC COPS

I just got stopped by a traffic cop on the way back from a round to the Pick and Pay and the bottle store. He jumped out from behind a Stop Street (at which I did not stop) causing me to slow down from an over-the-speed-limit-speed and waved me down, causing me to break suddenly,…

THE #1 TIP WHEN DYEING YOUR OWN EYEBROWS

  #1 DON’T FORGET YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOING IT. Set a timer or something. This will spare you the mild myocardial infarction when you accidentally see your own reflection after 40 minutes and come to the conclusion that your mirror has been possessed by a satanic clown.   In fact, set a loud ringtone or…

HERITAGE DAY. GERMISTON STYLE.

During a Heritage Day braai in my backyard, the following differences between myself and my new neighbours became apparent.The neighbours were: young, Zulu and stone cold sober. Moreover, they had a sparkly blue pool and I did not. It was a very hot day, even in the shade of the mulberry tree. “Let’s ask the…

IT’S NOT ‘FREE’ IF I AM PAYING FOR IT, POEPOL!

I’ve stripped my moer for these blooming students now! Hear ye! Hear ye! This is the most important paragraph of this whole piece: The Government does not have any money! Not a single cent. It gets all its money from taxpayers! So when you are asking the ‘government’ for ‘Free’ education, you are asking ME,…

MATISSE? PFFFT! I AM BETTER THAN HIM.

An artist who could see into the future. Ahead of current trends. At times reviled. At times, revered. Bold art. Uncompromising. Startling in its simplicity. Genius in its complexity. Matisse is also not bad. The thing that struck me the most at my recent visit to the Henri Matisse exhibition at the Standard Bank Gallery…