JOU MA SE VRRRR PHA! MAKING LIKE A JAPANESE TOURIST IN SOWETO.

I’ve been to Soweto before, but not as a Japanese tourist. A lunch with a friend and make sure you leave before sundown and keep your finger on speed dial to ADT, type of thing. I know we always laugh at Japanese tourists who take photos of everything, but think of it this way: ‘Japanese…

BREAKFAST IN PARYS. THE LAST ‘MISS GAY RHODESIA’S EGGS

“Parys? The last time I was in Parys, I was on the way with 10 other moffies to go make kak in Kroonstad.” I had just asked Michael Crouse, the last Miss Gay Rhodesia to come to Parys (Free State) for breakfast. I wanted him to join me in a food and travel revue. “Are…

BLYDE RIVER CANYON: ‘THE CHINESE ARE EATING OUR CAR GUARDS!”

I haven’t travelled to a place without a Spur for a while. Even Dar Es Salaam had a Spur. But that’s the point, sometimes. Go to a place without a KFC, morning traffic or radio stations you always understand. I headed off to the Blyde River Canyon in Mpumalanga, South Africa. I needed a walk…

WHAT DO THE ANC, A PORRA MECHANIC AND A NIGERIAN HAVE IN COMMON?

You can’t trust any of them. Bastards, the whole lot of them. Sorry, what was that? “That comment is ‘racist”? Wrong. The comment is racist AND prejudicial AND, for in case you could not spot it – sexist. I’ll try to throw in some ageism and body shaming as well. Here’s the thing. I took…

PEOPLE I MET AT THE FAT FARM

The “Fat Farm’ aka Health Hydro is a place where you go to relax, detox or in my case, go for a few days in a desperate attempt to slow down the rapacious pace of my weight gain and the ever-growing list of addictions and compulsive eating and drinking behaviours threatening to tear my body…

ON THE TWELFTH FUCKING DAY OF CHRISTMAS, LIFE GAVE TO ME …. THIS KAK!

Do malingering gits who post about how ‘blessed’ and ‘grateful’ they are over Christmas, showing sparkly photos of joy and happiness also piss you off? Well then, this post is for you! I guarantee you, this post will make you feel much better about yourself than any motivational quote – because I am going to…

A PILGRIMAGE TO BETHLEHEM

I went on a pilgrimage to Bethlehem. It was an important thing for me to do. Almost in a biblical sense. It was an epic journey. Was it to discover the birth of something new? Or maybe rediscover the birth of something lost? I had to find out. Thus I went to Bethlehem. I couldn’t find…

TOP 3 REASONS FOR SPRAYING DOOM IN YOUR FACE

Doom, jou lekker ding! Doom, you delicious thing! You have blessed me with such a delightful range of debates and intellectual engagements in my life. Last week, I sprayed myself with Doom right in the face – live on air. I was mimicking what happens to an infamous South African pastor who sprays his congregants…

WHY I BRIBE TRAFFIC COPS

I just got stopped by a traffic cop on the way back from a round to the Pick and Pay and the bottle store. He jumped out from behind a Stop Street (at which I did not stop) causing me to slow down from an over-the-speed-limit-speed and waved me down, causing me to break suddenly,…

THE #1 TIP WHEN DYEING YOUR OWN EYEBROWS

  #1 DON’T FORGET YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOING IT. Set a timer or something. This will spare you the mild myocardial infarction when you accidentally see your own reflection after 40 minutes and come to the conclusion that your mirror has been possessed by a satanic clown.   In fact, set a loud ringtone or…